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YEA YEA
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Diary of a snow shoveler,
probable location - North East December
8 - 6:00 PMIt started to snow.The first
snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for
hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print.So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.I love
snow! December
9We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape.What a fantastic sight!Can there be
a lovelier place in the whole world?Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had!Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks.This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again.What a perfect life! December 12The sun has melted all our
lovely snow.Such a disappointment!My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white
Christmas.No snow on Christmas would be awful!Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow againI
don't think that's possible.Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbor. December
14Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night.The temperature
dropped to -20.The cold makes everything sparkle so.The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.This is
the life!The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again.I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but
I'll certainly get back in shape this way.I wish l wouldn't huff and puff
so. December
1520 inches forecast.Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer.Bought snow tires
for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.Stocked the freezer.The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.I think that's
silly.We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16Ice
storm this morning.Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt.Hurt like hell.The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
very cruel. December
17Still way below freezing.Roads are too icy to go
anywhere.Electricity was off for 5 hours.I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm.Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate
her.Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.God
I hate it when she's right.I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room. December
20Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the
damn stuff last night.More shoveling!Took all day.The damn snowplow
came by twice.Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're
too busy playing hockey.I think they're lying.Called the only hardware
store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out.Might have another shipment in March.I think they're
lying.Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill
me.I think he's lying. December 22Bob was right about a white
Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so
cold, it probably won't melt till August.Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss.By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too
busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23Only 2 inches of snow today
And it warmed up to 0.The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the
house this morning.What is she, nuts?!!Why didn't she tell me to do that
a month ago?She says she did but I think she's lying. December 246 inches -
Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.Thought I was having a
heart attack.If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll
drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken
shovel.I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over where I've just been!Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open
our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn
snowplow. December
25Merry freaking Christmas!20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight -Snowed in.The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.God, I
hate the snow!Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I
hit him over the head with my shovel.The wife says I have a bad
attitude.I think she's an idiot.If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave. December
26Still snowed in.Why the hell did I ever move
here?It was all HER idea.She's really getting on my
nerves. December
27Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber
came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all
my pipes. December
28Warmed up to above -20.Still snowed in.The BITCH
is driving me crazy!!! December 2910 more inches.Bob says I
have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30Roof caved in.I beat up
the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up
his ass.The wife went home to her mother.Nine more inches
predicted. December
31I set fire to what's left of the house.No more
shoveling. January 8Feel so good.I just love
those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?
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